Loss. It’s never easy and it’s never wanted, but we all inevitably experience it at least once in our lifetime. The grieving process is never easy and it never ends.
As we get closer to the holiday season, I am reminded that a few of my loved ones are no longer with us. They will no longer be able to sit at the table for Thanksgiving dinner or create a huge breakfast on Christmas morning for the family to enjoy. They will no longer be able to hug us, or send us a birthday card or even pick up the phone to say hello. And it sucks. It sucks so much.
The first loss I remember was the passing of my Uncle Kurt. It was in 2013 on St. Patrick’s Day and it was totally unexpected. He was only 48 and had so much ahead of him. I remember getting the phone call, well my mother got the phone call, right as I was putting on my shoes getting ready to go to work. I could tell that something was wrong once she hung up the phone, but she didn’t want to tell me. I begged her to and finally, she caved. She gave me the news and my heart shattered. I still went to work that day, since I think keeping busy in situations like that is important, I also didn’t believe it and thought I was still dreaming. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. My Grammie was so heartbroken, that her youngest had passed so soon. We were all upset since Kurt was an amazing person. Always making you laugh and smile, and he made a pretty kick-ass breakfast every Christmas morning, which I truly do miss. Christmas mornings have never been the same without him but I cherish the moments that we shared together and that’s what is important.
The next loss I experienced really shook me to my core. It was Thanksgiving of 2016 and I had just gotten out of the shower and I noticed I had a ton of missed calls, which I guess is never really a good sign. I called my mother back not really sure what to expect and my sister answered and told me that my Grammie was in the hospital the night before, I panicked because no one had even told me that she was in the hospital. I was worried, asking if she was okay and my sister told me that our amazing Grammie had not made it. I thought it was some sort of sick joke, that she was lying to me. She wasn’t. I just cried on my bed in my towel for a really long time. It was still early in the morning, but I did not have an appetite at all – ironic since Thanksgiving is the day that you’re supposed to eat everything in sight. She would appear in my dreams and ladybugs kept appearing near me, which I took as a sign that she was still here with me. I got a tattoo in memory of her a few weeks after she passed and I think it’s a gorgeous tribute. I love and miss my Grammie so much.
The most recent loss I experienced was my Uncle Russ. An all-around good guy that everyone loved. His passion was music and it was always a treat to listen to him play guitar. I remember him teaching me when I was younger, I couldn’t really get the hang of it but at least I learned one chord – something that will stick with me. I remember collecting change from his couch cushions with my sister and having spaghetti dinners at his house. He was a fighter, a conqueror, and a such a kind human being. I saw him a week or two before he passed and we gave each other air hugs since he was coming down with a cold and didn’t want to pass it on to me, I’ll always remember that. Pictured above are some personalized guitar picks that I got made as takeaways during his service, they were a huge hit and I’m so happy that his friends and family can remember him in such a unique way since he was such a unique person.
As I mentioned earlier, the grieving process isn’t easy and it never ends – I’m sure you understand if you have experienced the loss of a loved one. I think about my Uncles and my Grammie often and my eyes get flooded sometimes, but I try to remember the good memories we had together – which is all I can do.
I know that the holidays are hard for some people, and you may feel like you are alone, but you are not. Reach out to someone. Help is out there.
National Suicide Prevention Line:
US (24/7) – 1-800-273-8255
US Text Line – Text “START” to 741-741
I hope you enjoyed the post and thanks for reading my rambling. I just felt like this was something that I needed to do for myself and I feel like a weight is lifted off of my chest now. I hope this post helped you in some sort of way.
(Sorry that I have been so MIA lately, work and school are taking over my life and I’ve just been in a blogging funk lately, I hope you understand.)